Nationally Recognized Couples
Psychotherapist
Bill Benson LMFT, LPCC
A Relationship
Counselor’s step by step guide to success…
As a child, my
mother taught me that successful relationships were more a result of character
than content. Two of her favorite sayings were: “It’s not what you say, it’s
how you say it” and “You catch more bees with honey than vinegar.”
I am still
passing along this wisdom all these years later: Much of my work as a Licensed
Marriage Family Therapist and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor
involves helping people establish and maintain habits of fair and equitable
collaboration that creates a desired result for all involved.
The Art of Conversation
Whenever two
people interact, negotiation becomes necessary. Step up to the counterperson at
any fast-food restaurant and you will probably engage in a universally accepted
back-and-forth that will get you the food you want. The same holds true in
friendship: Text a buddy about getting together for a movie and ideas will flow
between you until a film is determined and the meet-up specifics are decided.
But this back-and-forth can be more
difficult than expected. According to a recent poll of 100 mental health professionals,
communication problems (65%) and an inability to resolve conflict (45%) were
the most common factors leading to divorce.
Ironically,
couples usually come into counseling convinced that it is the content of their
arguments that are creating their relationship havoc. They are unaware that the
main cause of their discord is the way they are communicating. It is my job to
shepherd awareness within these clients (just as my mother had with me) so that
they can uncover healthier ways of relating to one another.
The Mental Gym
Let’s not leave
my father’s influence out of this: One reason I named my private psychotherapy
practice The Mental Gym was
due to the psychological wisdom my athleticism instilled in me while I was
growing up. My dad, first a footballer and then coach, imparted in me an
understanding of sportsmanship. I now include these dynamics - communication,
cooperation, and compromise - within my sessions to guide my clients toward emotional
victories.
Based on my 17
years in clinical practice (in addition to the 18 years under my parent’s roof)
I have devised a healthy communication playbook that I use in my therapy
sessions. These are Couples
Counseling Exercises that get results. Below are five strategies from this
manual that can help you and your partner productively negotiate and create a
truly long and winning season together.
Couples
Counseling Technique #1: Keep Disagreements in the Present
Fighting couples
have a nasty tendency to pepper their arguments with examples of past failures and/or
foreboding forecasts: “There you go again” or “If you don’t change, you’ll be
sorry” are classic bickering examples of an inability to stay in the present
tense.
There is a scientific
explanation for this tendency to rehash and/or project: Because our brains are biological
computers – and computers crunch data – memory and/or imagination are easily accessed
avenues of information we need to support our side of an argument. However, because
this information is subjective or fantasy, this evidence only complicates a
disagreement.
Tip: Constructive conflict resolution occurs in the here-and-now.
I’ve had the opportunity
to counsel professional baseball players with batting issues. I’ve found that
most strike-out because they’re not present enough to see the ball clearly: Hovering
over home plate, their minds begin downloading reminders like: “I haven’t had a
base hit all week” or booting up projections like: “I need this homerun or
they’ll demote me to the minor leagues.” The pitch whizzes past them because
they are distracted with all of this unproductive data.
These players’ batting
averages usually improve once they discipline their thoughts. Through Mindfulness
Training and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques, I teach these athletes to
address only the topic at hand, which is connecting their bat to the pitched
ball. Once this occurs, the players report a newfound ability to track the
pitcher’s delivery more easily and aim their swing more precisely. In other
words, we can only influence what’s unfolding before us – and that’s usually enough to solve the dilemma.
Successful
communicators, just like homerun hitters, understand that, in order to score,
they need to address “what is” not “what was” or “what might be.” Most couples will
come to this eventual conclusion, but only after wading through and debating all
the evidence their brains have generated. Exhausted, couples will finally state:
“…so, what are we going to do about this now?” Ironically, a lot of time has
been wasted talking about the problem, instead of focusing on the solution.
Couples
Counseling Technique #2: Stay on Topic
Imagine you come
upon an impasse while jogging along a trail. This detour leads you to another
impasse, and then to another detour. Before long, you lose direction and become
disoriented – you have lost the ability to navigate to your destination.
When arguing,
winning often becomes the goal of each opponent - which is impossible, because
if there is one winner, there is also one loser. Dueling partners will pull out
all the stops to insure the finish line is not reached while they’re in second
place.
Strategies
develop and diversions appear to keep the contest going until an advantage can
be taken. I call this “migrating the argument:” It’s a tactic to divert the
conflict onto so many pathways that forward progress becomes impossible. It’s a
manipulative traffic jam, designed to be counterproductive, and often makes
interactions – and eventually whole relationships - feel like uphill slogs.
If your partner
begins migrating the argument, guide him or her back to the original path of conversation
through reassurance: Make statements like: “You just brought up a good point,
however, let’s resolve the issue we’re addressing right now before moving on to
the one you’ve just mentioned.”
The key to
conflict resolution is clarity: Remain diligent in your quest to stay the
course – one course at a time.
Couples
Counseling Technique #3: Problem-solve instead of promoting an Agenda
Keeping score at
sporting events or strategizing in the business world may yield clear results
but competitive setups within intimate relationships usually signal trouble. Intimate
relationships are characterized by deeply felt and symbolic undertones. Chances
are good partners have shown vulnerability and entrusted each other with their respective
emotional truths. These beneath-the-armor experiences are both nurturing and
nuanced and must be taken into consideration - even protected - when
disagreements arise. Winning an argument forces your partner to concede his or
her own meaningful convictions. This, in turn, can lead to emotional distancing
or worse. Victory often creates its opposite consequence. Simply put: “You can
win a battle but lose the war.”
When disagreements
arise, instead of myopically politicking for your own agenda, remember you and
your spouse are on the same team: It doesn’t make sense to kick your partner in
the shins when the overall point is to work together to get the ball over the
goal line. Differences are vital to the balance within a relationship: consider
your collaborator’s strengths and play to them. Realize every talented
Quarterback needs a great Receiver. Set down your ‘winner takes all” attitude and
enjoy the sweetness that comes from sharing mutual achievements with another.
Couples
Counseling Technique #4: Focus on Behavior not Character
Like coaches
diagramming plays on white boards, therapists love to explain the play-by-play
characteristics of human interaction. Regardless of the variables used to chart
these dynamics, there is clinical consensus that what couples focus on while fighting has
a direct impact on the success of the outcome: It is their perception about the
argument that plays the pivotal role in conflict resolution.
Partners who fight
fairly understand disagreements must center on behavior not character. Just as
it would be ridiculous for a referee to judge an athlete’s overall ability via
one penalty, assessing someone’s character based on one misstep would be
equally foolish.
Find yourself
screaming: “you’re an idiot!” or “you don’t care about us!” or “I hate you!”
and you will eventually come to regret these statements because they reveal and
communicate derogatorily held perceptions about your spouse - to your spouse.
What I call
“Stage-three” conflict is like fumbling the football at the Super Bowl: Stage-three
utterances can be pivotal: They are very hard to forgive and even harder to forget
- and they make winning when it counts a lot more difficult. These attacks can easily
create emotional scarring, which permanently damages your relationship dynamic.
This behavior also says a lot about you – why
would you choose to be in a relationship with someone you feel is so deeply flawed?
The next time you
disagree with your significant other, remember the qualities that made you commit
to them in the first place. Noted psychologist Carl
Rogers coined the term “Unconditional Positive Regard” to
describe the support and acceptance of another despite their actions. Successful
couples stay within the perimeters of this behavior: “I disagree with what you
did” or “when this happened, I felt overlooked by you” is fair game – character
assassination is not.
Couples
Counseling Technique #5: Use “I Statements”
I often tell
couples: if you never want to argue
again, use I Statements!
An I Statement is a
way to claim, and then convey, your feelings when issues arise - without indicting
another. This intervention’s effectiveness lies in its thoughtful and
non-judgmental approach: You are taking self-responsibility for your reaction
to a challenge instead of playing the blame-game.
There are four steps
to an I Statement:
1.) Notice your emotional response and the circumstance that’s
triggering it.
2.) Convey how this event is making you feel.
3.) Invite your partner to share how he or she feels about the way you’re feeling.*
4.) Describe the exact behavior that would help you resolve your
struggle.
*I’ve italicized
the second part of point #3 because it is very important that your partner only
give feedback about your emotional response to the issue, not his or her view
of this issue.
Example: Sally
notices that Tom is under-representing his earnings on their joint tax return:
1.) “I see that there’s an income discrepancy on our tax return…”
2.) “…and this is making me feel uneasy.”
3.) “Tom, I’d like to know how you feel about the fact that I’m
now nervous and worried.”
4.) “It would make me feel better if we stated the actual amount
we earned last year.”
Once Tom realizes
that his actions are creating upset in someone he loves, he weighs whether or
not to modify his actions – is shaving a
few hundred dollars off their tax debt worth the emotional pain these actions
are causing his wife? Tom lets Sally know that it wasn’t his intention to
make her nervous and because he cares about her, he is willing to correct the
income line on their tax return.
Conveying I
Statements may initially seem clinical and clunky, but, with practice, this
communication habit can yield the positive result of a well-rehearsed play. Noticing
our feelings also allows us to assess them for appropriateness (“am I
over-reacting?”). Once vetted, sharing our feelings from an observational
stance clears the communication of any accusation. Finally, inviting our
teammate to comment on our feelings conveys the message that their thoughts
matter to us, as well.
Conclusion:
Knowing
the rules of the game when interacting with others increases the quality of our
experiences and enhances the possibility of positive outcomes. Just as my mother taught me with words and my father with actions,
the ability to effectively team with others comes with attentiveness and
practice.
Learning
to keep disagreements in the present tense gives us the focus to solve our
dilemmas. Staying on topic helps us get there more quickly, and centering on
behaviors not character keeps arguments away from being taken as personal
attacks.
The
point of any discussion is to arrive at a mutually beneficial conclusion: Remembering
to problem-solve instead of promoting an agenda will go a long way in achieving
this goal and conversing in “I Statements” is a sure-fire way to get there.
Just as a
skilled athlete must train to get into physical condition, communication
fitness is also achieved through the development of a good regimen and disciplined
intention.
Any
situation can be solved if you relax, set down your need to win, and keep your
eye on the ball.
ABOUT
THE AUTHOR:
Bill Benson is a Board certified
Behavioral Scientist and Licensed Psychotherapist. Bill pioneered The Mental Gym, a counseling practice
that has trained thousands to build, and then maintain healthier perspectives
and emotional muscle.
A go-to expert
in the Psychology field, Bill has appeared on a variety of television programs,
including Fox's Good Day LA, CBS' Woman to Woman, and NBC's Tonight Show.
Bill is a
recurring panelist for e.Huffington Post
Live and co-hosted 250 episodes of the cable talk show Doc Talk.
Bill is a
published writer, covering creative solutions to life’s challenges. He and his
work have been featured in newspapers and radio programs across America.
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